“George Mead—all about me—he came up with the concept of self! And self is used to like, describe your personality, based on your own self-awareness and self-image...”
Damn, Sarah’s going to set the curve on this midterm.
“...we try to like, see ourselves from another person’s point of view so we don’t like, make ourselves like, look dumb. Cooley coined the phrase ‘looking-glass self’ for a self-image based on how we think other people see us...”
I glanced around the room. Posters containing overwhelming amounts of brainwashing rhetoric lined the walls top to bottom, fighting for my attention. The few that managed to catch my eye, I read silently to myself, all while scrutinizing the pictures of people that accompanied them. “I’m glad I FAILED...at suicide, because my life is so amazing right now.” But your face isn’t. “I’m straight, but NOT narrow!” Yeah, because you’re fat. “Please let my mommy marry my mommy!” Stop whining, spoiled bitch. “Can you tell which of these children have gay parents?”
“...we initiate action, which is like the subjective side of the self, and then we evaluate the action based on how other people respond to us, which is like the objective side of the self...Brian?”
“Uh, huh?” I snapped out of my daze to see Sarah and Cameron staring at me from their sofa. “I’m listening,” I reassured them.
“Do you need help understanding anything in particular?” Sarah asked, sounding ever so concerned like a teacher or mother.
It was 11 AM, still too early to me. Running on four hours of sleep, I had woken up at 9 to go to my 9:30 natural disasters class for a midterm. It wasn’t that bad at all. I finished at 10 and went to the library to study for my sociology midterm coming up at 12:30. There, sitting in the library’s comfortable chairs, I was falling asleep when I got a text from Camerom asking me to study with him and Sarah at the Lesbian/ Gay/ Bisexual/ Transgender/ Queer/ Pansexual/ Intersex Resource Center (LGBTABCDEFG RC). When I got there, I was dismayed to find that the resource center’s chairs—couches—were far more comfortable and relaxing than the library’s.
“I’m tired. I think I’ll function better after a nap. Can you wake me up in 15 minutes, Sarah?”
“Sure.” Sarah surprised me by being unusually okay with my request to slack off. If this was last year back in the dorms when we were all first year students, she’d lecture me about how I hadn’t done any of the reading for the last four weeks, and with the midterm coming up in less than two hours, I couldn’t have any time to be lazy. Maybe she had given up on me.
Oh well, Sarah granted me nap time, so I couldn’t resist taking advantage of that. As I stretched out in my couch, I noticed the big window looking out into the hallway and realized that anyone could walk by and see me sitting inside among a bunch of rainbows and gay empowerment magazines, so I pulled my cap over my face. After adjusting my wedgie, I leaned back and rested my eyes.
As a gay guy, I’m often criticized for trying too hard to put up a masculine façade. When you see me, you see a guy with a New Era 59fifty cap slapped on over some buzzed hair, a pair of black basketball shorts that matches with whatever T-shirt I’m wearing, and Nikes to complete the baller-dancer hybrid look. When I’m not dressed like your typical Irvine Asian guy, I’m in a tank at the ARC lifting weights, trying to get that nice physique—something I’d rather be doing than expressing my emotions.
I don’t want people to look at me and think, “Oh my god, with gay guys like that, why would I ever want one to raise kids?” Yes, I do try too hard, and I even get carried away sometimes. Kevin and Alfonso expressed far more emotion than I did when CADC rejected them, while I, not wanting to do anything that “the gays” would do, sat silently and took it like a man. A robot, more like it.
But it was also that same night when I got the CADC rejection email that I realized that under this “masculine façade,” I am nothing. There are no layers in my character to peel back. The masculine façade has become my personality. The accusation that I’m trying to butch things up is preceded by the assumption (or expectation) that, as a gay guy, I have some kind of more emotional and expressive side. That assumption in itself is a gay stereotype. And for me, it’s one that is not true. Not anymore, at least. I’m the way I am because that’s just how I am.
However, I still can’t deny the fact that my character is flawed, that something is wrong. And the problem is more deeply rooted than just refusing/not being able to feel any sad emotions. The main question is, what is the problem? I don’t know.
I’ve never fully come to terms with being gay. I never thought I’d be able to, and I never thought that I’d need to. But maybe the problem is that I really do need to.
The total amount of time I’ve spent hanging out with straight guys (Kevin, Alfonso, and other dancers) is probably more than my senior year in high school and first year in college combined. It’s been ridiculously fun, but I still feel a sense of loneliness. I’m wondering if I need a strong group of gay friends too to fulfill that hole. Maybe this is the problem. I used to be able to go to Cameron for gay friends, but I don’t hang out with his gay friends unless I’m hanging out with him, and Cameron is too busy with his internship and gay frat nowadays. If I go out into the gay world looking for friends, I need to go on my own. And then somehow, I’ll finally fully accept myself.
I dunno. This is getting convoluted. I’m looking for some kind of answer, but I don’t even have the question fully formed in my mind. Being the anxious person I am, however, I can’t wait for that question to form. My urge is too strong, so I’m going to form the question over time while I search. Fortunately, I already know where to start looking.
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“My DowneLife”
Written March 5th, 2006 (Excerpted)
Among all the private messaging and stuff, I've only actually talked to [a few] from DowneLink on AIM so far.
The first guy was rather interesting... He's black, he's a senior at Independence High, he's... interesting. And by interesting, I mean he kept on talking about jacking off and penises. He said his was... 8 inches long. oh god.. =/ And then he asked me if I had a digital camera. I said yes [[how did it not strike me that I should’ve lied?]], and then he started bothering me about showing him pictures of my penis. I tried to be as nice about it as possible, saying stuff like, "Taking pictures of my penis makes me feel really weird, sorry! =)" I'm just glad he didn't show me pictures of his 8-inch black cobra.
The second guy, I only talked to for five minutes. He asked me my age, to which I responded 15. He was disappointed and told me, "Oh, I can't talk to you. You're too young." My DowneLink profile says I'm 18 because that's the required minimum age; I hate having to lie about my age and misleading people like that... And... Apparently I'm "too young"... was this guy looking to have sex with me or what? =/
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And no, the answer/question doesn’t involve sex or relationships.
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1 comment:
Having a masculine facade is a gay stereotype in itself. So really, you're running away from one direction only to go into another totally gay one. Like I said, between the two of us, you were the more 'obvious' one because of how much you tried, or how much it looked like you tried.
But I'm glad you're realizing how empty you are because we're all empty.
Your definitions are very binary. You juxtapose "at the ARC lifting weights" with "expressing your emotions". Most people do both, and it's a part of maturation which allows us to do both. IT's a part of maturation to see the self as an agent of societal dynamics and realize that gender and gender expectations is a product of society. Distance yourself from that and you become a more real 'you', lest you become what society wants you to be.
And realizing your own emptiness and flaw is leading you to try and create a community. What aspect of you has defined your life the most? Your gayness. So you're trying to create a community from that.
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