Paradox

I should be doing homework right now, and if I didn’t have homework, I should be dancing. But fuck, there’s so much going through my head right now that I just had to get some of it out.

Common Ground auditions started last week. I didn’t get in, but that was pretty much the plan. The main goal was to get over stage fright so that I wouldn’t blank out for CADC auditions.

The CADC audition process started yesterday, and I’m already feeling overwhelmed. Alfonso was helping me clean up the piece we learned yesterday, and he pointed out so many problems in my performance that I had to take notes. They made sense when I was writing them, but reading them now, they make no sense: “Straight leg, brush past face, left shoulder up. Make hard part bigger. Push off right foot for the van. Blades!” Etfc. (That stands for et fucking cetera.)

I’ve been a bad student, fuck. I already missed two homework assignments, one in my natural disasters class and the other in my sociology class. I have done zero reading for natural disasters and probably at this point, 3% of the reading for sociology. I admit, it’s been harder to get schoolwork done myself because you’ve been keeping me in check since the beginning of senior year in high school. That’s one of the reasons why my parents loved you so much.

Shit, since the beginning of senior year in high school. I can’t believe it’s been two years.

Oops, this entry wasn’t supposed to suddenly become about you.

Alfonso has been trying to keep me in check. He asks me have I done my homework yet, how much reading I need to get caught up on, etfc, but I always skirt around an actual answer.

I don’t want to blame it on dance, but I will say I have made a lot of sacrifices for dance. Money, time, money, friends, money, and emotions. Yes, emotions.

I don’t want to admit to myself how badly I want CADC, because if I do but then end up not getting it, I’ll be crushed and I’ll probably hate life for a day or two. Don’t get me wrong; I can accept defeat perfectly fine. But the only thing I can’t accept is how I react to defeat. In case I fail, I put up these mental blocks that help cushion the impact. I refuse to let myself react with anything more dramatic than a simple “oh” and shrug. No tears, no desire to confide in another person. That’s all for the weak. For the gays.

The main goal of the Common Ground audition was to see my performance on video so that I could cite that as evidence to myself that I was getting better enough for CADC auditions. But the evidence is lacking in quantity, and I need to start drawing from outside of my rationalizations.

The same mental blocks soften my emotions, my esteem, and my will, and so I refuse to feel like anything bigger than “good.” To do well for CADC, however, I think I might have to make myself susceptible to emotions at both end of the spectrum. Only when I really admit how much I fucking want CADC will I do one hundred times better. And confidence: I need it. In my dancing and in general I need to give off a vibe that says, “Fuck you bitch, I’m taking your spot in CADC.” I need to draw from confidence that I never had and from a burning will that I never allowed myself to feel. I need to ride high off my desires and confidence, so high that when it comes to Monday, the CADC audition day, there will only be two directions to go: further up (if I get in), or straight fucking down (if I don’t get in).

Normally, I’d only take the middle, in-between direction because that’s the direction I’ve always been going in. But not this time. I need to accept to expect the unacceptable and proceed—as in, I need to be willing to be crushed if I don’t get into CADC so that I will gain enough confidence to assure myself that I will get in. Confidence is ultimately anticipating failure.

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“salut.”
From: Brian Dinner (on myspace)
Date: Sep 15, 2007 3:36 AM

hi Trung.

I found your xanga and started leafing through it the last few days. thought i'd leave you a myspace message since unidentified footprints scare you. :P

alors, comment-vas tu?

From: trung n.
Date: Sep 15, 2007 12:41 PM

hey brian!

i'm glad another reader has contacted me! it always makes me feel good when they do that. it's good to know that somebody likes my stuff. i've just checked out my footprints and LEAFING YOU HAVE CERTAINLY DONE. haha. thanks though, im very flattered.

eh, ça va, tu sais. c'est samedi. je devrais avoir quelque chose à faire, mais jsuis fatigué. j'avais une semaine longe, mais en pensant au reste de l'année, je meurs un peu. je n'ai rien m' éxciter SAUF la fin de lycée.

j'espère que tu aies plus pour t'éxciter. et toi, ça va?

[several messages later]

From: trung n.
Date: Sep 16, 2007 12:51 AM

im going to major in int'l relations, to which w.history is like essential. intl relations:world history::algebra:calculus. i ultimately want to become a diplomat/ambassador/foreign service officer/CIA agent. that or working with an NGO in a third world country. i've told some of my friends that and they call me depressing because i'm never going to live a settled life. i'm never going to meet anyone and ill be lonely for the rest of my life. lmao. it is kinda sad, but im okay with that thought. i think. i just have to live it up while i can.

anyway, you're free to im me if msging is too slow.