Around 9 PM, we (me, Alfonso, Kevin, and our other friends Khoa, Tina, and Erica) decided to take a little break from practicing to get some food at Subway. I bought myself a foot long meatball marinara, sat down with my friends, and eagerly unwrapped my dinner. Ignoring the laughter and chatter around me, I feasted my eyes on this twelve-inch marvel before cautiously wrapping my hands around it. Planning each move thoughtfully, I picked it up and brought my face down to it so I could get a closer look at it. The meatballs, looking ready to pop out, stared back at me, and the creamy white cheese seeped down the sides slowly. Where do I start going down on this thing?
I opened my mouth—no—I needed to go wider. I stretched open my jaw. Inching ever so more closely to the meaty monolith, I closed my eyes and soon felt a rough texture brush between my lips and then my tongue.
I savored it. I savored the taste in my mouth. I savored it before I clamped my teeth together and jerked my head and ripped the sandwich away. Chew chew chew, chomp chomp chomp. Once I felt that it was nothing more than some mush in my mouth, I swallowed. Then I took another inch off the sandwich and continued to viciously take off inch after inch.
Bite after bite, I kept on going, barely pausing to talk or rest. But once I realized I could barely breathe anymore, I relaxed. And then I rested my eyes back on the sandwich. I froze. Not from shock, but a sudden wave of emotions. I had realized something.
I was holding the sandwich upside-down.
I gaped at what I was holding in my hands. And then I looked up and opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t making anything come out. Everybody was having fun and I didn’t want to bring down anyone’s spirit. And they definitely would’ve heard my voice start to crack if I spoke. I closed my mouth and I turned back to my dinner. It was just a sandwich. Just fucking eat it. I brought it up to my mouth and began to open my mouth, but then I realized that that very motion could now push a tear out from under my eye. I backed my head away from the sandwich and hesitated, trying to recollect myself.
You used to try to feed me my cheeseburgers upside-down, and I would always get annoyed. Remember that? I didn’t really get angry; I’d just kinda playfully whine. “Why can’t you hold the damn burger right?” And then you’d hold it at some other weird angle.
After another minute, I finally swallowed my emotions and continued eating the meatball marinara. But as I ate it, I found myself deep in thought.
What really bothered me was I couldn’t remember when and where you would feed me cheeseburgers. I just know you did a few time at some points, but we almost always ate right there at In-N-Out, right? Did you feed me in the car sometimes? I couldn’t think of any reason why we would be so much in a rush that we’d have to order some to go and eat it as I drove. Or was it even cheeseburgers that you fed me? Maybe it was some other kind of sandwich? I didn’t know. Why did this even matter?
I just really hated that I couldn’t remember, that there were already holes in my memory.
I’m so stressed right now. How many more hours left? Auditions are Monday, and I find out the results Tuesday. Around sixty-five more hours until it’s all over. I can keep myself together.
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it comes and goes, for me. the hollow feeling. like there are times when i would look up at my desk, see your christmas 07 card, and lose my breath temporarily. or whenever i go to a beach, my head goes back to the times in santa monica, or huntington, or la jolla, or corona del mar, or santa cruz. you might just be feeling it now because of how stressed you are though, and that's ok.
when you actually voiced your disapproval with the way i fed you things, i thought you were actually mad. like, dino is already stressed from hunger and then dino can't eat because trungy cant do his job right D:
it was in the car where i had to feed you most of the time. usually it was a bruin cafe sandwich. i don't think it was a cheeseburger. it might have been from time to time. but i think it was mostly bcafe sandwiches. occasionally a vietnamese sandwich. and the rush was going back home, or something. the most vivid memory i have of you acknowledging the strange way i held the sandwiches was once when we were going back up to sj from la and i was feeding you a roasted turkey sandwich. i guess i held it weirdly and you got miffed :0 once, i fed you a hot dog while we were going to rage.
i more vividly remember the first time i fed you at all though. it was one of our first dates, cleaning up the gym at silver creek. we drove by the wendy's afterward, and you wanted a frosty, so you got it. but we had to keep driving to get back to get dressed in time. you were fumbling with the wheel and the frosty so i took the cup and decided to spoon the stuff in your mouth.
i remember this because i told myself i wouldn't feed you/be all mothery to you until i felt comfortable enough. you mentioned that the last time you went to cheesecake factory (our first 'date'/hangout), the guy you were with fed you. i thought to myself, "yeah, you're here with the wrong guy if you expect me to do that." so i wanted to wait until i thought i was the right guy. i guess it happened to be then.
oh guess what my most 'used word' was on facebook?
dinobrian. and then i used irvine more than i used la.
brian, you can do this. just today and tomorrow. you have so many people who are supporting you in this, who will be rooting for you and will still be rooting for you regardless of the outcome. even if they all can't be there physically, you know they'll be thinking about you. you can keep yourself together. you will keep yourself together. we all want you to succeed, but if you don't, that's okay. really. it's okay. you'll still be alive, you'll still be able to dance.
get some sleep on sunday night. eat. to well for monday. you really should only stress up until sunday evening, and then relax for the rest of it. after monday, at the end of it, treat yourself to something good. some chocolate therapy. a brownie. i dunno. just remember to relax and DONT THINK ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE afterwards, no matter how you did. itll just freak you out even more, and you know you need to be productive with schoolwork in the mean time. you can analyze all you want after you hear your results.
ps. you're missing a close quotation for "why cant you hold the damn burger right"
also, when are you going to post my version of "my lie"? the space one? which reveals where your dad went?
i think i saved it onto your desktop.
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