The Truth

“my lie”
Written by Trung, September 20th, 2009

7:45 p.m. [After driving back down to LA from NorCal] Everything is packed away in my dorm room. Number 360. The night is still young, though, so DinoBrian and I decide to venture off to a mall that we haven’t been to: Koreatown Galleria.

“Asian shit?” Dino complains.

“But it’s the only one that’ll be open past 9! Besides, the ITG machine is broken here and—“

“Okay we’ll go. But not because of the ITG machine being broken. I don’t care about that.”

I quickly scribble down directions. We were off in minutes. Not before Dino checked his hair, and made a few faces in the mirror, though.

8:30 p.m. The cute Korean gift shop caught my eye as I ran toward it.
“Dino, look!” I pointed. “It’s a donut! It's as big as my head! It's for you! Let’s go in.” I went inside, looking for other fun things to point out.
“Why are they selling pills in here?” I pick one up and show it to Dino. “Teaching kids how to abuse medication. Typical LA.”
“I think you need a new steering wheel cover.” Of course he doesn’t. I just thought they looked ridiculous.
“Mmmmmhmmm. You know she got junk in her trunk!”
And of course, no visit to a shop would be complete without a dino reference. I just pick it up and show it to Dino in awe.

“Dino, can we buy it?!”

“Trungy, no! What is it anyway? You won’t even use it.”

“But there are dinos on it.”

“Silly Trungy. Put it back!”

I put it back. We leave the gift shop empty-handed but with new inside jokes. The next stop, of course, is the food court.

We order dumplings and steak fried rice. As soon as we get the order, Dino starts to calculate.

“Trungy, I can finish each one of these in one bite. How many are you going to have? There should be enough for five dumplings each.”

“Hungry Dino. I think I’ll have three.”

“Okay, good.”

Of course, I end up eating four but I give Dino the rest of the rice to compensate.

11:24 p.m. “Dino! Let’s watch a myth arc. We can finish it when we move everything into your apartment tomorrow.”

I pop in X-Files into my laptop. I insist on watching a myth arc, even though I know I never stay awake during them. That was okay, though. I can rewatch anything I missed tomorrow night. Or the night after. Or the night after that. I have a few days in Irvine to look forward to after this.

As the credits play and Mulder and Scully embarked on their adventure, I wrapped my arm around Dino’s middle and rest my head against his side, kissing the fabric of his shirt. Snuggling close, I mutter a quick “I love you, Dino.”

“Love you too, Trungy,” the warm response.

I close my eyes.

I wake up. The first thing I see is my laundry basket heaped full of disheveled clothing. I grasp around me. My curtains. My comforter. My room.

Oh god. I shoot up. I’m in my room and I’m alone. Alone. I look at the clock. It’s 6:45 a.m. I’m supposed to leave for LA in half an hour.

Reality is a painful slap across the face.

What really happened?

I tried to distract myself herbally throughout the car ride but the good feelings lasted only two minutes before a reminder of everything I lost hit me.

My sister, her friend, and I went to Melrose. I left empty-handed. We went to my dorms. I threw everything in the room and shut the door. We went to Koreatown. I left the store every ten minutes because I saw something that would trigger tears.

But mostly, I slept throughout most of my trip back down because I couldn’t take being awake. I dreamt and relived the last night I saw you, the embrace, the tears. The last time I told you I loved you. The last time I saw my Dino.
---

Honestly, I already knew.

From the very moment I asked you, “Did you ever cheat on me?” I knew.

You answered no, so I figured it was only a matter of waiting for you to grow and stop running.

The night before Halloween, I got that text from you, the one that read, “Just had a threesome with two other guys at the Halloween party. Linh wasn't one of them. And everyone knows, oops. What do I do now?”

Typical. I was still waiting for you to admit to me that you cheated.

The next day, we talked online. You fed me live news updates as you and Linh exchanged angry Facebook messages. When you guys were officially over, you told me that you had something important to tell me. You abruptly planned a visit for Wednesday.

Trung:
what are you gonna tell me? tell me noww. pleasee. :[

bbqdinner:
nononononono

Trung:
hint? it has to do with you wanting to come clean about something. confronting, instead of running.

bbqdinner:
ooohhh. trung understands themes in brian's life

Trung:
ok. you had sex with someone during our relationship! i told you i already assumed that.

bbqdinner:
i'm not saying anything else >:|

Trung:
you should be more sad about that, that I assumed than you actually having done that. =]

bbqdinner:
sad dino :(

Trung:
sad dino = predictable dino

Wednesday night came. I had a board meeting for UCLA’s Coalition of Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, but I left early to meet up with you. You brought me eggrolls, which you made yourself for the first time ever earlier in the day. You brought five of them in a zip-lock bag.

We sat down on the outdoor stage on Bruin Walk. You insisted that I eat the eggrolls before you tell me what you wanted to tell me. I denied. You persisted. I denied again, and I decided to make it easier on you.

“Just admit it Brian. You plan to tell me that you cheated on me. Just admit it, damn it. I already tell all my friends that we broke up because you cheated on me.”

“What?!”

“Yeah.”

You bit your lip, shot a few glances between different ends of Bruin walk, and got lost in thought for a minute. I imagined that you saw yourself going across the bridge again. When you came back, you admitted to me the truth, and you did it rather bluntly.

“Ok, I cheated—once for every eggroll I brought you so can you eat one already?”

Okay, I was a little surprised. The number surprised me slightly, but nonetheless, I was glad you finally admitted it. We each took an eggroll from the bag and munched on it.

“Trung, it was the reason why I broke up with you, y’know? I couldn’t keep on going in our relationship knowing what I did, but at the same time, I knew you’d break up with me anyway if I told you the truth, so I wrote that letter to cover everything up.”

“We both knew that letter was total bullshit.”

I chewed on my eggroll as you stopped and stared at me.

“Aren’t you going to yell at me now or something? I’m okay with getting slapped too.”

“I’m not going to yell at you, and I’m not going to slap you. I’m not angry because, well, all the anger and sadness that you imagined I would feel, I already experienced them, both during our relationship when I suspected that you were cheating, and after our relationship when I suspected that you cheated. Brian, I’m done being angry. I’m done being sad. My main question is, are you done?”

“You don’t think I’ve been done?”

“Brian, pretend you’re wearing some underwear, and then you sharted in it. It’s a mess. You’re groaning and cursing. You’re mortified. You can feel the liquidy shit running down your legs. You know you’ve forever ruined your underwear. So what now? Are you going to keep on wearing it for everyone to see? Are you going to keep all that brown shit on your ass and feel it smear all around when you walk and press up against your butt when you sit down? The answer to all that Brian is no. No, you aren’t. You are going toss that shit out and run your ass to Target and buy yourself a fresh new pair of underwear! Got it?”

“...what?”

“To answer your question about whether or not I think you’ve been done: I can still smell all that shit when I’m around you.”

You understood. We chatted a little more and finished the eggrolls together.

20

This is a two week late entry about my birthday. I turned 20 on May 12th, but nothing too special happened that day since it fell on an otherwise normal Wednesday in the middle of the week.

In the afternoon, Sang, Lawrence, and I got some sushi at Sushilicious. I didn’t even like sushi that much, but this place had a special for birthdays, a free $20 gift card for the birthday diner. Twenty bucks is a fucking lot.

At lunch, we discovered that I had no manners, but else was new?

We discussed our housing situation for next year, but we reached the same conclusion that we had reached many times before: “Let’s figure it out later.” It was going to be the three of us, plus Leland (who I auditioned with for MCIA auditions) living in the same place. I was pretty damn excited. I’d be doubling up with Sang, and Lawrence with Leland—Vietnamese vs. Filipinos! I thought wouldn’t it be awesome if each of us represented a different team? Sang would have CADC, Leland would have BBoys Anonymous (or possibly MCIA?), and Lawrence and I would have something else. Rivalries? Freestyle sessions in the living room Monday nights? We weren’t going to need furniture; that’d only take up space.

After getting sushi, Lawrence, Sang, and I drove down to Tapioca Express to get some Boba Tea, something that I only recently started to enjoy. I tried ordering a grass jelly milk tea with boba, and to my surprise, the drink had actual chunks of grass jelly in addition to the Boba.

“I thought it would be flavored by some grass jelly extract or whatever. I didn’t think there’d be actual chunks of grass jelly in the drink.”

Sang sighed. “HAHA, you’re a dumbass.”

Later in the evening, I drove up to UCLA to do homework with Trung. I had a really huge paper due the next day that I was no where close to finishing, and I knew that if I tried to work on it at UCI, I would’ve been too distracted because I had wireless Internet at UCI. So the most logical option was to drive 50 miles up north to escape the reach of UCI’s wifi. But I guess you could say I mainly went up so I could get some free food off of Trung and annoy him all night long.

I got there around 8, Trung and I had dinner and some ice cream, and I started my paper at 11. I wouldn’t get back to Irvine until 6 AM, where I would continue finishing up my paper until it was time to go to the class that it was due in. The hard work paid off though, because I got a B+, which was my goal. What sucked though was that I had to spend my birthday working on this paper, and the all nighter made a cold I had even worse.

My persistent cold didn’t stop me from going back up to Norcal on the 20th though! On the following Friday night, Trung and I went clubbing at Fuz. It was established (again) that I could not club (freak) dance (or in general). This one gay guy thought my dancing so “SO ADORABLE!!!” Adorable, not sexy. Ugh.

On Saturday, I went out to a family dinner, and then we had some cake afterwards. No relatives this time because they were “busy,” as in they were too cheap (or poor) to feed my greedy ass their money this year, and probably for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Ok, that’s my overview of all the things I did for my birthday. Time for some reflection! Cue the swoosh sound from Lost! SWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH.

---
“A Dramatic Post about Turning 16”
Written May 23rd, 2006 (Excerpted)

I started this LiveJournal when I was 13, and back then, when I was 13, I was straight... Well, mostly, but besides that, I looked at life rather simply because to me, life just seemed like keeping up my A’s in junior high. On the side of school, I had DDR, which I played all day every day at home and then went out to the arcade once a month to tone up my DDR skills. All that mattered to me was that AA, and I remained shy and aloof to the other DDR players. And getting with girls (or getting into a relationship) was one of the things that I least thought about, and I was that kind of guy (weirdass) that was like, “Virgin until marriage!” The future seemed simple, probably because it was the future that my parents had planned for me: Go to a University of California, get a good job, raise a family, and live happily ever after.

Now here I am, three years later, at age 16... School is still important to me, but now I have started to juggle other things in my life that have become as equally as important in my life, such as dealing with my parents, dealing with boys, dealing with friends, and dealing with living a life that is fulfilling enough. (Though I guess some would say that I tend to drop the balls when I “juggle.”)

And now, with DDR/ITG, the only thing that is stopping me from quitting is the awesome community. It sounds pretty pathetic, but I’ve changed and have become more sociable and friendly because of a four-paneled stomping video game. Making out with another ITG player in front of a bunch of other ITG players at a busy arcade also says a lot about how I’m not as shy as I was three years ago.

And yeah, all that crap about staying a virgin until marriage...? I’ve slept with a guy on a first “date.” I’m still a virgin now, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be by the time I’m age 17. Don’t get the wrong impression though, because I’m not trying to lose it as quickly as possible, unlike a lot of people who seem to be in a hurry to mindlessly lose their virginities, probably influenced by brainwashing media and movies like “Friends” or “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” (but I loved watching both of these). I’m saving it for someone “special,” even if that means I die a virgin, but with the way that I tend to rush into things so quickly, yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if I lost my virginity by the time I turn 17. I’d hate to regret losing it.

And gah, the future. It’s still all the same stuff that my parents have hoped for from me, but while they make everything seem easy, I’m realizing, “Wow, this shit is hard.” Because, well, getting into a UC? That means keeping up good grades at school; fuck, that’s hard. Getting a good job? That means spending more of my life at school to get a better education, learning to do taxes, spending endless days going through newspaper ads, going through job interviews... fuck, that’s all hard. And god, raising a family? That means finding a lover (preferably), going through adoption agencies, waiting, dealing with bitchy bigots, and actually raising the kids right so that they grow up to be happy; that’s all very hard and will even be heart-wrecking at times. And living happily ever after? Well, I have the basic outline of my future planned out, but now that I’m older and I actually have my own desires, I’m going to need to fit a lot more stuff into my life to live happily ever.

But now I’m just playing with the boundaries of age limits again and concerning with myself with things too far off in the future. This is one the reasons why I still have to remind myself, “I’m 16.”

I’m 16, bitches.

This Wednesday, my Dad’s finally going to let me get behind the wheel and drive around the block, and all this week, I’m anxiously waiting by my phone for American Eagle Outfitters to contact me to set up a date for a job interview.
---

Get into a UC? Check.
Get a job? Check. (Not at American Eagle, thank god.)
Lose virginity? Check.
To someone special? Blank.
Only having sex with someone special? Blank.
Fulfilling life? Blank.

Crossfire

Saturday night—well, more like Sunday at 2 AM—nonetheless, nothing interesting was really happening. Facebook’s Bejeweled application kept Sang’s mind occupied all night long; he was trying to get those combos while mindlessly arranging three of the same color in a row and he was also chatting here and there with this person and that person, all at the same time. Just chillin’, everything’s aiight. And out of nowhere the ringtone of his iPhone shook him out of his game mode. God damn, it was a call from me, and I was sounding desperate to come over. I told him that, in fact, I was already parked outside by his dorm. Sure, I guess, whatever, he thought.

Sang got another call from me when I was standing outside in front of his dorm, and he trudged down to let me in and lead me back upstairs into his room.

“So, it’s 2 AM; what’s up, Brian?” Sang asked as he sat down on his bed to play more Bejeweled.

“Well, after my observation this morning at the Education Academy—oh, the manager offered me the job by the way.”

“Yay.” Sang saw that coming.

“Anyway, after the observation, I drove to LA, where...where I spent all day hanging out with Trung.”

“Oh.” Aww, looks like Brian’s having more ex drama.

“Yeah.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, we just spent the day shopping and everything was fine. But, then, we were at H&M when Trung mentioned this one guy named John who’s his mentor in some kind of internship.”

“Mhm.” Shit yeah, Sang managed to match four whole diamonds in a row.

“And, well, you know the movie Precious?”

“Nope.”

“Well it’s this movie about a fat black girl who’s life just keeps getting worse and worse. And Trung saw it. And it made him cry. And guess who he saw it with?”

“Jo—”

“He saw it with John. Just John,” I repeated. “No one else. Just them two.”

“Mhm.” Damn, my bad, I knew the answer—oh yay high score.

“You know what that means, Sang?”

That you’re jealous? Should I even bother answering? Whatever. Sang shrugged as he reached over to his desk to retrieve a huge Costco-tube of Gardetto mix.

“Trung cried, so whose chest was there for him to cry into? John’s chest, that’s whose.”

“Ha, Brian, you’re jealous aren’t you? And bitch, you ate all the garlic chips last week didn’t you?”

“Well, those are the only good ones. And, sure, I guess I’m jealous, but, you know what’s even worse?”

Sang finally managed to dig one garlic chip from the very bottom of the tube and popped it in his mouth. Bliss.

“We’re giving him a ride to and back from NorCal for Thanksgiving break.”

“Oh, wow. Is it going to be awkward?”

“Only if I make it awkward.”



Trung, Sang, John, and I were at a gas station about halfway back up to NorCal. Sang bought some more yummy snacks and headed back outside to the car, where only John was sitting inside. He was awake, but he didn’t look so good. His hand was up against his forehead and he was leaning against the door. The car was locked, so Sang knocked on the window to get John’s attention. John reached over to pull the door handle when suddenly, aw fuck, the car alarm blasted out of nowhere. John jumped up, startled, and Sang stepped back, glancing around awkwardly. He looked at John and shrugged.

After a minute, I casually stepped out of the gas station convenience store, lifted my car key, pointed at the car, clicked—the alarm silenced itself—and I disappeared back inside again.

When we were all on the road again in the car, I didn’t speak a word about the car alarm. John still didn’t look like he was doing so well, and what probably didn’t help was that my driving seemed unusually jerky that night. I had driven Sang in the past, and I usually drove a lot smoother. My music was really loud too; Sang had thought that I liked the volume low. He noticed that Trung would try to lower the volume, but I would just gradually raise it again over time. For the rest of the trip, John said nothing, and I barely said anything as Trung tried to strike up a conversation.

Whatever, nothing was awkward when Sang was happily asleep.



I told Sang that I would pick him up for the return trip to UCI Sunday morning at 8:30, but he already knew that I would at least be half an hour late. And he was right, which was fine because that gave him more time to chill with his friend at home while waiting.

I showed up at 9:15, and, surprisingly enough, the guy sitting in the backseat wasn’t John Duong. It was a guy named Chris Duong, someone I worked with in the past. Not like it really mattered, because Sang planned on sleeping the entire trip anyway.

Once I dropped Trung back off at UCLA, Sang eagerly took the front seat.

“I’m not jealous anymore,” I said as I started driving.

“Really?”

“Trung and I had a talk, and he reassured me that John actually has a boyfriend who he complains about to Trung a lot. And I guess if you have a guy that you complain about a lot, it means that you care about him enough.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“But, I’m still kinda glad I didn’t drive John today. I think the drive to NorCal deterred him.”

“How so?”

“Well, I noticed that John kinda looked like he had a headache once he stepped in the car, so I figured, let’s help the headache...succeed in making John miserable. I drove really shittily, took sharp turns, braked and accelerated weirdly, and blasted my music. And remember the car alarm?”

“Yeah.”

“I rigged it so it would go off on John. When I lock my door from the outside using my key, the car alarm will go off if someone tries to open it from the inside ‘cause I guess the car thinks someone’s trying breaking in through the window. When we all got out of the car at the gas station, I noticed John stayed inside, so I figured, let’s subtly lock the door.”

“Oh dude, you’re a bitch! I was there when the car alarm went off!”

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire. But everything’s okay now.”

“Really?” Sang raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, things are good between Trung and me again. We had a good car ride. I’m fine.”

“Okay Brian.” Sang knew to not fully trust that and lower his guard, because, if what I had told him about a few weeks prior would continue to be true, then I’d be coming to him a lot more in the middle of the night throughout December.

How did I even end up meeting Brian? Oh, it was the day of the Funksters summer intensive showcase. Man, I wish I got to do that this year, but it was cool anyway to come support and see the old Funksters, but what the fuck was up with some of those new kids, like Brian. Mimi introduced him to me as another guy going to UCI. Like I really cared, but he still seemed chill.

Then I got a friend request from him on Facebook that same night, and bam, he flooded my wall with five or ten hella long messages with UCI tips. Damn, seriously, who was this guy? But most of his advice proved to be true or helpful anyway, so I’ll give him credit for that.

Then I kinda forgot about him until I saw him at the Funksters audition, and when he went up to reintroduce himself to me, I was like, who the hell is this guy? Oh yeah, Brian. He was kinda awkward, and not that great of a dancer.

And once again, he sorta popped out of no where for Common Ground auditions once UCI started, but I kinda needed to practice the whole audition process to get ready for CADC, and I kinda needed a partner. We were still kinda awkward with each other, but then we eventually broke the ice over the topic of Funksters and, Brian’s favorite topic that he could never stop talking about, sex. That was one long talk we had at the parking garage the night before CG auditions.

Now, I might be rooming with him and Lawrence next year. That should be pretty crazy. Whatever.

“Hey Sang.” As I was merging, I looked over my blind spot at the last minute to see a car. I swerved back into my lane. “CHRIS I’m wide awake so don’t hit with me the Axe can again. But, hey Sang.”

“Yeah?”

“Am I irritating sometimes? Like just a little bit?”

“Nah dude.”

“Really? The random visits at 3 AM in the morning?”

“Nah, it’s fine. They’re actually kinda fun.”

“Ha, cool. Thanks man.”

Reminiscent

Trung. The two of us spent all day in LA, driving from destination A to B to C to D all across town in the name of “shopping,” with the offer that you’d buy me something reasonably priced, possibly half the price of a pair of Nikes. We drove around, got lost, got back on track, and wandered on foot down long cold beachside streets going nowhere, but destinations didn’t mattered because we spent time together, whether it was eating a large cup of Chocolate Therapy from Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s or discussing the next movie we’d watch together—you opting for the Oscar-award-winning ones while me, for the ones with blood, gore, and utter destruction. We tried on ridiculous clothes that we knew we wouldn’t buy, but practicality didn’t matter because you reveled in the sight of me wearing cutesy things like a cupcake beanie or a furry trench coat, all of which in the end I would dismiss with a mere “no.” Just like almost always, we ended the day with nothing more than a single ten-dollar shirt that I for once afforded myself.



My backpack hit the floor as I trudged into Sang’s dorm room and slumped down in his desk chair.

“So, it’s 2 AM; what’s up, Brian?” he asked.

“Well, after my observation this morning at the Education Academy—oh, the manager offered me the job by the way.”

“Yay.”

“Anyway, after the observation, I drove to LA, where,” I hesitated a little, “where I spent all day hanging out with Trung.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”