Transcendence

I just wanna punch all the cocksucking faggots in this world, right now. Life to them is nothing more than an excuse to be loud and obnoxious.

Does it ever hurt to strive to be a little politically correct?

I don’t need to be politically correct. Fuck the gooks. Fuck the wetbacks. Fuck the niggers. Fuck the bible-banging redneck white trash.

Stop being immature. Don’t take your anger out on the whole world.

Do you want me to be politically correct then? When I refer to cocksuckers, should I rather just say the LGBTIQQAP2S community?

2S?

Yeah, exactly: who gives a fuck? Honestly, nothing matters past the B. I’d rather not be grouped with the rest.

Why not?

The first three describe only the gender I’d like to do, while the rest is too different. What’s so similar between a guy who likes to fuck guys and a guy who wishes he had a vagina and boobies? Just because we’re all a sexual minority doesn’t mean we should all be grouped together. Asians, Mexicans, and blacks are racial minorities, but it’s not like we’re all considered the same. And, much in the same way that those three races seem to hate each other, it shouldn’t be expected that I automatically be welcoming to everything past the B. I’m not, and people seem to be so surprised.

You’re giving legitimacy to racism to justify your reasons to hate another group of people; you realize that, right?

I don’t really give a fuck. I’m just saying, there is also hostility among all the LGBblahblahblahwhatever community; we’re not the one big happy family that pride parades depict us as.

That’s for sure, coming from the person who wants to punch every “cock sucking faggot in the world right now.”

Yeah.

You say you hate people past the B, but you also sound like you spite everyone within the first three letters too. Why badmouth them?

I wanna leave, separate myself from them.

Why?

Because, within each gay person I see, I see a part of me that I don’t want to be.

So saying the worst things possible about them somehow makes you transcend beyond them? I feel like you’re only descending into that dark lonely place where no one could find you. I thought you were glad to be out of there?

I’d like to go back.

What happened to your gay friends?

I’ve barely seen Cameron all quarter.

Well, not just Cameron. You’ve got the Funksters, downelink friends, Trung, and etc.

Well...ok, I’ve still got them.

Do you wanna leave them?

No.

Then who are you trying to escape from?

I don’t know. I guess...myself.

Yourself?

I’m trying to escape from myself.

Why?

When I think of being gay, I only think of it in terms of all that I’ve lost, or will lose.

I thought that, to you, “gay” only described the gender you liked to do?

That’s the biology part of it. I used to think that that was all there was to being gay, but then I realized that there’s some sociology involved too.

Do you often find yourself discriminated against?

No, that’s not it at all. I’ve learned that there are such things as uniquely gay experiences, but, they’re not brought on by a heteronormative society, they’re brought on by the male dicksucking community itself. That’s also where I see the parts of me that I don’t want to be.

What are the things that you think you’ve lost

A bright sunny happy future with a loving wife and kid. My parents—as accepting as they are, I still know there’s some loss. My relationship.

Your gay relationship with Trung?

Well, if I was a straight guy with a girl in a relationship that had the same characteristics as my one with Trung, I don’t think it would’ve failed the same way, if at all.

But I still don’t get it. I don’t see the connections between the things you’ve supposedly lost and your problems stemming from the gay community.

Well, some are because of heteronormativity; some, of discrimination; some, of the biology behind being gay; and some, of, yeah, those fucking cocksuckers.

Are you going to elaborate?

No, I don’t think so. Sorry, but I’m going to go now.

Wait, where are you going? Don’t go yet! You’ve only given me scraps, and I don’t know if it’s enough to make the connections. I still have more questions.

That’s good. Question everything.



1 AM. The packing was pretty much done an hour ago, and I was ready for the big drive back to school the next morning and the move-in to my apartment. However, I had stayed up rummaging around my room for my iPod mini, which Cameron gave to me for my birthday. I never recovered the iPod, but it was somewhat beneficial that I had lost it. Feeling the end creeping so near, I didn’t want summer to end, despite it being so lengthy with Breakthrough, Funksters, and the breakup, and despite my excitement to start dancing in Irvine again. The iPod search gave me a reason to stay awake and milk out the last few moments of my summer vacation, and it gave Trung a reason to stay for a little longer.

During the last thirty minutes of our search, however, our conversations died and we eventually both fell silent. Both of us could sense our imminent goodbye as my Space Jam bedroom clock continued to tick away the seconds that separated us from the end.

Around 2, I called it quits. Trung solemnly nodded his head. We shared a moment of awkward silence before Trung lunged at me for a full embrace. Caught off guard, my arms wavered in the air before I eventually decided to also wrap my arms around him and to rest my cheek against his hair. It wasn’t long before I heard the sound of his weeps, and it was then that the ticks ceased and time seemed to freeze.

Muffled by the sobbing, the tears, and the chest against which he buried his face, Trung’s voice emerged, remarking, “Brian, by the time we see each other again, we’re going to be totally different people.”

Trying to reassure him, I disagreed, but in my head, I wondered how true it would turn out.