Resolute

Saturday’s dance rehearsal sucked so much ass for me. I had never left practice feeling so bummed. I had worked all week on this song, Secret Rendezvous. (Songs are supposed to be a secret until the premiere performance (not that anyone who really cares reads this blog), so I’ll just substitute song titles with—yes—DDR song titles.) I really wanted this piece, both because I liked it and because I needed it. I was still not casted in any pieces and I was really worried that I wasn’t going to be in any of them.

I didn’t get Secret Rendezvous. I admit, I didn’t perform it my best during the casting; I was nervous doing it up there with only four other people and the remaining thirty(ish) dancers and the director watching us. And then there was (and always is) the even worse nerve-wracking anticipation about what was to come for sure: After performing the piece, the director would glance carefully at each person, maybe say a few general comments, point to one person, say “You’re in,” and wave the rest of the uncasted to the side. I know it was never meant to be like this, but that short walk to the side with the uncasted had always felt like a walk of shame. It was my third time doing it yesterday.

After losing the spot for Secret Rendezvous, I rationalized that I still had a pretty good chance because there were three songs left to be casted. But then over the weekend, we learned one of those three songs, Air, and casted it immediately today. I could hardly follow the piece, and I had thought we would cast it the following week so I would say, “Fuck this part, I’ll just work on this later on in the week.”

When it was announced that we were casting for it fifteen minutes after finishing it up, I knew I wasn’t getting it. And I didn’t. I wasn’t too despaired; I was only sad that I didn’t have more time to work with it. I didn’t pour hours and nights into this piece, so not a lot was wasted.

But now there were only two songs left to be casted, Love <3 Shine and Long Train Runnin’. And then I learned that the directors were going to automatically put everybody into Long Train Runnin’. Great, I knew I was going to be in at least one, but as much as I love the choreo for that song, I didn’t want to be in the final performance for one piece and by default alone. I had to earn a spot in there. And there was only one spot left to earn. The pressure was fucking on.

The last hour of today’s rehearsal was dedicated to casting Love <3 Shine, the piece that I talked about last week. Y’know, the one with the video where you can see how irked and unenthusiastic I look in the background. The super gay one. I admit though, I liked it a lot better after I started dissecting it and understanding it this past week.

The casting process for Love <3 Shine was, for the most part, a lot more nerve-wracking than the other casting processes. Everyone performed together, so not having to do it in a small group with everybody else watching was the only less nerve-wracking aspect. But after each performance, the director would walk around the room and tap certain dancers on the shoulder. Those people were pretty much out. Eliminated. He would often walk right by me, in front of me, behind me, toward me, and each moment just added more anticipation. Anticipation of the walk of shame. Anticipation of staying in. I survived the first round of eliminations, and we ran the piece again. Each time, the group got smaller and smaller, and more anxiety built up.

I survived to the third round. There were only six guys left, including me, and about fourteen girls. He had a wild card round and had all the eliminated people come up and perform, and he would only pick one from the twenty(ish) of them.

At that point, I was kinda confused as to what was going on until Isaiah, another dancer who didn’t get eliminated, came up to me, patted me on the back, and said, “Congratulations dude. You’re in.”

What? Eyes widened. “REALLY?”

“Yeah.”

At that point, I really had two ways I could react: I could’ve started jumping for joy and hugging everyone that also made it, despite not really even knowing half of them, or I could’ve burst into tears. I really felt something pushing behind my eyes. All that build-up from not just the first three rounds, but all the disappointments through the past two weeks and all the effort I had been putting in all summer and ever since I started dancing—I could now breathe a slight sigh of relief.

Of course, I didn’t really do either of the options. I was shocked, and happy. I didn’t really know what else to say or how else to celebrate, so the most I could manage was, “Yay, finally.”

When I tried to get into breakdancing back in 2006, the one big thing holding me back was the fact that I wasn’t and couldn’t get good at it immediately. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to learn anything new and wanted to be good at everything I was already doing. That small breakdancing phase lasted like three months, but then I eventually got back into it for college. I still didn’t go very far with it until I finally got into choreography and general hip hop dance at the beginning of 2009.

Getting casted probably wasn’t as big of a deal for people who had been casted before, whether it was this summer, last summer, sometime during the competition season, or people who have actually been on dance teams. But it was a huge deal for me because this was my very first form of validation. I now knew that I was actually heading somewhere. I wasn’t the same dancer that I was when I started at the beginning of 2009 or when I went through my breakdancing phase in 2006. I conquered severe lack-of-motivations issues and found the strength to pursue something new.

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“Reirresolution”
Written October 5th, 2006 (Excerpted)

I didn’t really practice breakdancing for a week and a half, and when I tried a few moves again just a few days ago, I got hella better out of no where. I’m not really surprised though because I followed this same pattern when I was getting better at ITG.

Tomorrow I’ll be trying to pass Air on Oakridge’s hacked ITG2 dedicab. Come watch me pass out and get the arcade temporarily closed down again for the second time within a month (the first time being when Dave passed out).

And yeah, the above two things are like the most exciting things going on in my life right now, which is pretty sad because the second one involves ITG, and the first one has me making comparisons to ITG.

I’m trying to rediscover my motivation, whether it is in the form of ITG, break-dancing, food, picking up a sport, guys, new friends, or going somewhere else besides Oakridge. Whatever motivation I had a long time ago has completely drained. Every night as I climb into bed, I feel shitty and ashamed that I did nothing all day. However, I can’t help being lazy, so the next day just ends up being a repeat of all the other days. When I’m in the computer lab to do Psychology work, I mess around on the Internet instead. When I go home, I sleep from 2:30 til 5 PM and then eat lunch. When I eat, I just leave my left hand dead in my lap and don’t care if I accidentally tilt my bowl on its side with my chopsticks. Don’t care enough to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Too lazy to fix my boxers when they float up three inches over my bellybutton. Don’t change out of my jeans when I sleep. Got a huge booger in my nose that’s making it hard for me to breathe in my sleep? Whatever, I don’t feel like turning on the lights and getting up to pick it. And Junior year is NOT a good year to be lazy.
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I am long overdue for a good cry.

(But I’m just too manly for that shit.)