Validation

It’s 6 AM, and I’m sitting in front of my laptop eating a Hot Pocket and typing this blog. About eight hours ago, I performed my final audition for this quarter. On Wednesday, I’m going to celebrate the end of audition season by cooking a home-made Asian dinner for my friends and me.

I’ve sacrificed a lot for dancing. I’ve used time I should’ve spent visiting my relatives or calling my parents to dance instead. I’ve put off my school work so much that I’m sure this quarter I will get the worst grades I’ve ever gotten in college. I’ve gotten others—well, just Trung—to sacrifice his time and rent a car to drive down to Irvine and watch both my CADC and MCIA auditions. And don’t get me started on the money, the hundreds of dollars I’ve dropped.

There was a time when I used to question whether or not it’s been worth all the sacrifices. And there was a time when, in order to figure out if it’s been “worth it,” I’d seek validation—validation through the form of approval from others, or the pros: getting chosen for select groups or getting onto a dance crew.

Well, none of that has happened. So at this rate, you’d think that I’d just be about ready to quit, or slit my throat. But after watching the video of my performances tonight and comparing it to my old dancing shit, I can say that even though I wasn’t the best out of everyone at the MCIA auditions and even though my group was pretty sloppy as a whole (though I was better than a good amount of people), I’ve fucking grown, and it’s just so much more apparent now. I’m at this point where I’ve realized that validation from others isn’t what makes all these sacrifices worth it.

The only validation I need, and the best form there is, is from myself. And it doesn’t come from just seeing myself improve, but also from knowing that I’m loving what I do, so much that I continue to make sacrifices for it. I have that validation now. I’m happy with my progress as a dancer. Considering what I was writing two months ago, this is the ultimate accomplishment, the one that I truly should’ve been seeking in the first place.